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Is The End Near? No Say Prominent Group of Scientists

Multiple religious groups (mostly Simulogists) are all claiming that the universe is ending soon. Claiming to have access to ancient calendars, they are claiming that the end of Q1 is near, and thus the end of the calendar and the universe itself. While most people are disregarding this, others have taken heed of the “take heed of the prophets, not profit!”. Most notable is an eccentric millionaire who is buying all the RAT on Promitor, to feed himself in the next life (he claims).

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Practicioners of Simulogos Double, Have Schism

The number of Simulogists in the galaxy has doubled with EatTacos88 joining Prdgi on the temple planet RL-716g. Almost immediately, the devotees experienced a massive schism in the religion. The Edicts of Molp (may his code be free of bugs) clearly establish that MAI should be cultivated in rows with a North-South orientation. Prdgi When adjusted to account for relativistic motion of the planet, an East-West orientation is required by the Law of Molp (may his code be free of bugs).
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Study sheds light on hidden efficiency factors

A recent study commisioned by Promitor’s Agriculture Daily has revealed the presence of two new efficiency factors. The study has also hinted at the presence of additional hidden efficiency factors. We believe this could be the next big breakthrough in agricultural production Promitorian Scientist According to the study, APEX users are able to influence production efficiency by performing regular, mundane rituals. The trial, consisting of 9 users, has found that performing a routine known as a “pushup” can result in an increase in production capability.
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CEOs Across The Galaxy Suddenly Unemployed

CEOs across the galaxy have woken up to find themselves unemployed and their jobs now being held by an AI. Doctors are starting to worry about the dangerously low daily click amount (DCA) reported in these former titans of industry. We caught up with Carepanda, while he awaited behind nearly 70 others outside the unemployment office.

I usually like to get my daily clicks in before my morning coffee. Now I have to stay up until 3 in the morning just to get my daily allotment in. Standing in line like some…plebeian pioneer is humiliating.

In other news around the galaxy, authorities are looking for more information on the death of Allen Rodgers whose body was found this afternoon. He was last seen in a navy pinstriped suit on Etherwind placing a recurring order in his FP for one cycle of DW. Suspected cause of death is an overdose of NOTS.

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GDP Celebrate the Holidays By Bankrupting Those Less Fortunate

ProsperousTurnip, Montem. Doing their best to spread the spirit of the season, GDP is celebrating the holidays by bankrupting those less fortunate than them. Carried on a throne by 8 slave children, Sharlindra explained,

It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle and forget to help end the companies that we failed to already destroy.

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APEX Developers to Flip ‘Planned Obsolescence’ Switch on Monday

After years of rock solid ship reliability, APEX intend to have cargo haulers start to break down and malfunction due to “meteorite damage” and “wear and tear.”

Listen, it just doesn’t make sense to have these ships last forever. At some point, you just need to switch to a new provider and upgrade to the newest model—while locked into a contract for 2 years, of course.

  • molp

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Anonymous Donation to Infirmary Boosts Health on Katoa

Katoan officials hope to locate philanthropist for their very generous donation.

With the donor’s help, the citizenry of Katoa will see their health skyrocket. When pioneer health rises, the economy rises. The time to invest in Katoa is now!

-I_am_Tex

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