I'm Not Extinct Yet

Prosperous Turnip, AU-605c (maybe): Reporters have contacted the CEO of Sea of Dirac, the latest to send an envoy to the planet AU-605c, where we’ve previously reported on an extinction event. Independent reporter ManoftheSea has confirmed that they also received reports of the event, but yesterday started receiving transmissions from their AU-605c base.

The transmission started by cutting off the automated ‘keep away’ beacon. The first words to follow were, and I quote, ‘Uh, we had a slight equipment malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now, thank you.’

When we asked the base leadership about their neighbor, Tortoise Collections, they confirmed that they saw no difficulties there, either, and there were perfectly normal PIOneers walking in perfectly normal lines between the HB1’s and EXTractors, in perfectly normal lockstep.

POIneers in normal operating lockstep procedure.1

Obviously, we still had some concerns. We had the comms team set up a video transmission, and they captured an image, which we will of course provide to the Prosperous Turnip staff.2
We’ve been assured that production is continuing on the planet, though our receiving department on Phobos believes there is a 5 day error with the timeline provided by the remote outpost. We’re working to resolve the disparity. The bill of materials also includes an item unknown to APEX, which is labeled ‘headware, fetching’.

Stickers on the boxes of “Headewear, fetching”.3

We’ll provide that one too, as it ought to be added to APEX. While all Sea of Dirac commodities are guaranteed indistinguishable from any other commodity of the same type, these non-APEX items will be provided free with any purchase from our company.

  • ManoftheSea

Note from the Editor:

The CEO of Sea of Dirac provided a sample of the “Headwear, fetching.” We gave it to our intern yesterday to try out. He’s been sitting in a chair for the last few hours quietly. We tried to get him to get us fresh coffee, but eventually gave up hope and left early to get our own. He’s still sitting listlessly in his chair today.

A job posting for an internship position with Prosperous Turnip will be made public later today. Requirements include being able to deliver a cup of coffee.

  1. Image from https://www.denofgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/invasion-3.jpg ↩︎

  2. Obviously it would get provided to Prosperous Turnip, as we’re the best, most accurate, totally real news publication in the Prosperous Universe! ↩︎

  3. Image from https://www.entertainmentearth.com/product/futurama-brain-slug-toy/dc12071 ↩︎