The Turnip has received a copy of an anonymous pioneer’s log found in the KW-688 sector. Without modifications, it is as follows:
Pioneer #876
Day #3
It’s been a rough and loong ride aboard AVI-000T8, but we’re here! We’re finally in the solar system, we’re at Etherwind!
After a devastating week to all company finances, QWNE members across the universe have been left wondering how they would even feed their egos. An uncountable amount of currency, estimated in the hundreds of trillions, was lost collectively, leaving the once wealthy in desperate need of validation.
Dr. Kendrick Holeworm held a very exclusive press conference today, where he prepared to reveal proof that the universe we find ourselves in today is in-fact a parallel universe to the one we were in yesterday.
ProsperousTurnip, Etherwind. Growing increasingly frustrated at her inconsiderate behavior, management of Merchantries were reportedly annoyed by the antics of pioneer Jodie Donavan.
It’s hard to enjoy my 22-hour per day break when I’m incessantly being pinged by my COM.
Said CEO “Bob” Bobemor, confirming that he had been forced to ignore over 30 messages and 4 voice mails begging for help.
While CEOs universe-wide have revealed the horrors they have subjected upon their workers, chiropractors across the planet are reporting an excessive influx of CEOs who have injured themselves patting themselves on the back after starting on the most overpowered fucking planet1.
There’s a line of very sore yet very self-satisfied people around the block of my office. All of them are feeling pretty smug about starting on Promitor.
This morning at precisely 7:42 AM, a timid mhk emerged from his estate. A hush fell over the press and onlookers as the reclusive mhk sniffed around for a few seconds before quickly skittering back inside upon seeing his shadow.
A ska band immediately began playing, quickly joined by the sounds of cheers and applause from the onlookers – there would indeed be another 6 weeks of expensive RFabs.
A new universe awaits!
After nearly two years of hard work and quite a bit of overtime from all of us at Simulogics, I’m pleased to announce that will be shifting to the new universe Wednesday, February 3rd. The unfortunate news is that due to increased server costs, we had to reduce the number of users in the initial universe. Over time, we will slowly invite the others. The second set of users to be invited should be in mid to late March.
For most, an insurmountable task; for others, lifetime’s work. For Rain, a three week task. That’s what Rain’s latest analysis required. Clocking in at 34 Sheets for a total of 739 tabs, Rain is finally starting to narrow down on which starter package to use next reset.
Multiple religious groups (mostly Simulogists) are all claiming that the universe is ending soon. Claiming to have access to ancient calendars, they are claiming that the end of Q1 is near, and thus the end of the calendar and the universe itself. While most people are disregarding this, others have taken heed of the “take heed of the prophets, not profit!”. Most notable is an eccentric millionaire who is buying all the RAT on Promitor, to feed himself in the next life (he claims).
The number of Simulogists in the galaxy has doubled with EatTacos88 joining Prdgi on the temple planet RL-716g. Almost immediately, the devotees experienced a massive schism in the religion.
The Edicts of Molp (may his code be free of bugs) clearly establish that MAI should be cultivated in rows with a North-South orientation.
When adjusted to account for relativistic motion of the planet, an East-West orientation is required by the Law of Molp (may his code be free of bugs).