PROMITOR - Scientists at the Promitorian Institute of Biological Studies have identified a peculiar strain of fungus believed to be responsible for the increasingly bizarre behavior of local corporation executives, manifesting primarily in compulsive outbursts of “Praise Beanz!” throughout their workday.
KATOA, Benton System - In a shocking twist that left traditional chefs scratching their heads, the inaugural Trans-Galactic Culinary Championship hosted on Katoa concluded with Frentic Industries claiming victory after serving geometrically-precise meat shapes paired with their signature “Smart Zinfandel” to a panel of scientific judges.
MONTEM, MORIA SYSTEM - After what historians describe as “that whole period between when people still used paper spreadsheets and now,” the Montem Planetary Administration has finally completed construction of its long-awaited shipyard by employing what they’re calling a “synchronized logistics solution” – namely, timing the delivery of the final components to coincide perfectly with the eviction of a local prefab manufacturing facility.
ETHERWIND, KW-688 - In what officials are calling “completely necessary step for securing democratic integrity of planetary elections, comrade,” Etherwind’s governing body passed new legislation requiring all voting CEOs to present FIOC-issued identification cards during upcoming planetary elections.
PROMITOR SECTOR - In the dimly lit corridors of Habitat Module C-17, workers shuffle between their sleeping pods and workstations, their eyes glazed with the particular brand of hopelessness that comes from checking the corporate compensation rates for the eighteenth time today. The rates, unsurprisingly, remain unchanged.
A new scientific study accidentally reveals what CEOs with operations on Hortus have known for eons - the truth about the relationship between the planet’s distance from the system’s sun and it’s population’s lifecycle.
Pioneers working for Willow Enterprises on Etherwind have been gloating excitedly about the new cafeteria Rwinner is building for them.
Prosperous Turnip operations begin again today after one of the editors was released from prison. News suddenly stopped nearly a year ago, due to the editors vanishing from the universe. It’s now known that one of them had been incarcerated by the Exodus Council’s Treasury enforcement for producing forged ECD credits.
The Turnip is proud to bring to you a story from the Protostar project (Saladin expansion):
Of course, we can’t talk about the physical founding of Protostar without mentioning VladvonSpacestein. Self-described odd bean, Vlad was a newer player who had initially settled on Boucher, but decided between the taxes and the increasingly crowded market for consumables that he’d rather run away to the frontier.
LS-231b, 18:08 UTC:
Sources within Fuyutsuki Functional Conglomerated’s resource extraction colony on LS-231b have spoken with this reporter on the condition of anonymity. When asked about their desire for secrecy, they were quite candid with me:
We’re not scared of retribution or nothin’… we’re just worried about the longevity of our jobs. It took a lot to move out here to Elsie-2 and the company was gracious enough to handle the finances behind that. But if they pack up and leave, how are we supposed to get home? It’s not like we can live outside. 354.6 degrees Celsius during the day melts lead. Humans don’t have a chance.
