Following a weeks-long supply disruption that saw drinking water prices soar to market maker values, Hubur’s pioneer workforce has declared victory after discovering that Einsteinium-Infused Gin contains “technically drinkable” liquid components.

Local pioneer Kezia Mbatha demonstrates the approved 3:1 dilution ratio recommended by Hubur Medical Services.¹

“It burns going down, and I’m seeing colors that probably don’t exist, but at least I’m not dead,” said pioneer Rask Thornwell, moments before attempting to explain the philosophical implications of a wrench to a confused coworker. “Plus, the hallucinatory properties help me forget I’m dying of thirst in the first place.”

The crisis began when unspecified “market forces”—which local pioneers have nicknamed “Boom,” not to be confused with APEX user boom_badda_boom, CEO of Sirius Corp (company code SICP)—drove drinking water prices beyond the reach of Hubur’s working-class population. Within days, enterprising traders identified an untapped arbitrage opportunity: luxury alcohol contains approximately 40% water by volume, and desperate people make excellent customers.

“We’re calling it the Hubur Hydration Initiative,” announced Station Administrator Lyra Vasquez at a press conference held in front of a banner reading “INNOVATION THROUGH ADVERSITY.” “Our pioneers have shown remarkable adaptability in adopting this alternative hydration vector. Alcohol poisoning incidents are down 15% from last week’s peak, which we’re interpreting as a success.”

When asked whether providing actual water might be simpler, Vasquez consulted her notes for seventeen seconds before responding, “Next question.”

Engineers Demand Action

The Hubur chapter of the Interstellar Engineers Guild has filed an emergency grievance with the local government, citing “crimes against sophistication” and “offensive misappropriation of recreational substances.”

“These are sipping gins,” explained Chief Engineer Dimitri Volkov, voice trembling with barely contained rage. “Each bottle represents hours of careful distillation, precise Einsteinium infusion ratios, and the subtle art of creating hallucinogenic experiences suitable for appreciating after a 12-hour shift optimizing reactor outputs. Not for… for hydration.”

“Yesterday I watched a pioneer chug a 2957 vintage—a 2957—like it was some kind of sports beverage,” added Volkov. “They didn’t even notice the subtle notes of burnt citrus. Do you know what the master distiller went through to achieve that specific flavor profile? He nearly went blind from the Einsteinium vapor exposure. Twice.”

The complaint includes detailed citations of which tasting notes are “completely lost on the uncultured palate of someone drinking to avoid renal failure.”

Scientists Join Coalition of the Affronted

The scientific community has rallied behind their engineering colleagues, though their concerns center on Smart Zinfandel.

“Smart Zinfandel is formulated with AI-optimized flavor profiles specifically designed to facilitate higher-order thinking,” explained Dr. Amara Okonkwo of Hubur Research Station. “The algorithm spent three months analyzing the drinking habits of history’s greatest minds. It’s meant to be savored while contemplating the heat death of the universe, not gulped down because someone’s too cheap to pay market rates for H2O.”

When informed that pioneers typically cannot afford market rates by definition, Dr. Okonkwo stared blankly for several seconds before asking her assistant to “reset the conversation parameters.”

The Hubur Scientific Council has since begun purchasing Smart Zinfandel in bulk “to ensure adequate supplies for serious intellectual work,” a move that coincidentally drove WIN prices up 340% in local markets.

Pioneers Remain Optimistic

Despite the ongoing crisis, protests from the professional classes, and the distinct possibility of long-term health consequences, Hubur’s pioneer population maintains surprisingly high morale.

“Sure, I’m technically drinking hallucinogenic spirits to avoid dying of thirst, and yes, I can now see sounds and taste colors,” said pioneer Amara Okoye while operating a cargo loader with suspicious precision. “But you know what? The hallucinations keep telling me I’m doing a great job, which is more than my supervisor ever does.”

Fellow pioneer Jian Liu reported that the gin-based hydration regimen has “dramatically improved” workplace communication, noting that “when everyone’s mildly intoxicated and seeing geometric patterns, hierarchy kind of stops mattering. Yesterday my shift manager and I had a forty-minute conversation about whether time is real. Pretty sure we solved it, too, but I can’t remember the conclusion.”

Looking Forward

In the wake of the crisis, several corporations have announced plans to establish “properly funded” water infrastructure on Hubur, with delivery times estimated at “eventually.”

The Insitor Cooperative issued a statement noting that while they sympathize with Hubur’s situation, they will not be providing emergency water shipments because “this is exactly the kind of character-building adversity that Promitor faced during our settlement, and look how well we turned out.”

NEO Charter Exploration briefly considered a humanitarian water mission before realizing that Hubur isn’t particularly rich in minerals and deciding to focus their charitable efforts elsewhere.

Meanwhile, the Antares Initiative sent a transmission consisting entirely of laughter followed by “At least you have water infrastructure to disrupt. Want to trade problems?”

At press time, Hubur pioneers were celebrating their newfound access to “adequate” hydration while engineers and scientists have begun a petition to have alcohol officially reclassified as “industrial solvent” to prevent future “catastrophic misapplications of cultural treasures.”

The petition has garnered forty-seven signatures and zero support from anyone who has ever been thirsty.

Editor’s Note: The Prosperous Turnip reached out to several pioneers for comment but received only incomprehensible responses about “the geometry of thirst” and “dancing water molecules.” We have elected to interpret this as enthusiastic support for current policies.