Umbra, Benten System - The universe’s multitude of stock markets are in shock this month, their demand crashing as marshmallows72 and the newly named “Capital Management” conglomerate rolls out a new automated system for companies, conglomerates, and entrepreneurs to create their own investment funds through the use of stocks.

The stock fluctuations that fund managers live for.¹

This automated system, called DSCB (Digital Stocks, Commodities, and Bonds) Accounts, has swept the stock community by storm after being created by marshmallows72, quickly making current stock exchanges irrelevant. This new system has the ability to radically shift the balance of power from what our analysts say, and marshmallows72 knows it. “It has been a resounding success. I wouldn’t be surprised if I was eating Benten luxury shrimp rations and coconut mead from Proxion in the next couple of days. I’ll be making so much money!” Was what the inventor said when we approached him for his thoughts on Capital Management’s success, after which marshmallows72 was reportedly cackling for several minutes once our reporter politely excused himself.

On the way out, our reporter stopped to talk to the programmers of the DSCB that now has millions of credits flowing through it. One testimonial by a proud technician, ”The system is crazy, you know? From anywhere in the universe, you can invest any currency you like into any available fund. No troublesome fees, no sensitive account information needed, just set up and boom! And it couldn’t have been done without all the fund managers that helped support the conglomerate.”

Wondering what the heck a “fund manager” was, we ended up trying to track down the manager for both the Beanz and the ICCTF (Inch Centimeter Commodities Trading Fund) funds to figure out who these entrepreneurs were. Upon finding Coincrafter in a CX exchange room that was empty except for him, he agreed to an interview, waving away our curious cameraman’s questions about the unusually vacant room. To let you fully understand, here’s the transcript of the following conversation.

Reporter: “Thank you for agreeing to this interview, we appreciate it”.
CoinCrafter: “Of course, of course. It brings more attention to my funds, so all the better! And for anyone watching those funds are called ICCTF and Beanz-“
Reporter: “Thank you, but let’s move on to our first question for you. What are Fund managers and their relation to DSCB and the Capital management conglomerate?”
CoinCrafter, taking the interruption in stride: “Us fund managers are the cream of the financial crop, you know? We make money out of nothing, which is impressive considering how difficult it is to make money out of anything. Of course, I can’t give you any details, it’s all confidential, of course. I have been keeping an eye on the current bidding war on flux between the fund managers, so don’t be surprised if you see that market suddenly tank.”
Reporter: “What is this flux bidding war you’re talking about?”
Coincrafter: “Oh, haven’t you heard? Shrewdsun and marshmallows72, two of my rivals, have been haggling over the price of flux. I may or may not have a little bit of information on that market and plan to leverage accordingly” Reporter: “Oh really? That sounds interesting. What can you tell me about this information”.
Coincrafter: “Well, you see, there is a lot of commodity inflation, small blips on a reader, flinging the competitive price advantage of fund managers way higher than the usual company, which results in graphs following the bezenhel curve and wilkumeri principle of retaliation, occurring a gentleman’s battle of influence commodity graphed pricing allowing for-“

Post-edit: After we asked about the flux bidding war, Coincrafter started ramble about pricing, inflation, and competitive influence. To get to the full story, we ended up interviewing marshmallows72 again, this time about the bidding war.

To sum up the lengthy discussion, Shrewdsun and Marshmallows had been competing to buy flux at the highest price, every time one would raise their prices, the other would raise theirs. Eventually, OptimizedFunction found out and tried to outbid them both. In retaliation, somehow, Shrewdsun brought the buy and sell prices of flux on a particular station we cannot name to be 1 CIS credit apart, ultimately showing the other fund managers that they were the top dog of a spontaneous, unneeded, bidding war. This information, which CoinCrafter found out about, could have been invaluable information to make money. However, that won’t be happening anymore, as we at Prosperous Turnip always find and disseminate the truth.

That brings us to the end of our article on the effects of the DSCB system on the galactic stock exchanges. Before we end this article, we’d like to pass on a message that marshmallows72 shouted out loud, briefly before his cackling. It was “C’mon, let’s mek a bit o’ munni fer ussen.” Roughly translated in some old dialect of an even older language, it means “Come on then, let’s make some money for ourselves.”