PROMITOR, Hortus System - Local mining executive lowstrife maintains his trademark optimism despite his company’s workers’ compensation claims increasing by 847% over the past quarter, insisting that each horrific industrial accident teaches him “valuable lessons about the human spirit.”

An excited CEO pouring over workers’ compensation claims.¹

lowstrife, CEO of Lumber Liquidators, has reportedly been keeping a personal journal titled “Silver Linings in the Mine Shaft” where he documents insights gleaned from each workplace injury claim filed by his employees.

“When Technician Rodriguez lost three fingers to the mineral processing equipment, I learned that humans are remarkably adaptable,” lowstrife explained during a press conference held in his climate-controlled executive suite, 200 meters above the sweltering mine floor. “And when the cave-in trapped twelve workers for eighteen hours, I discovered that teamwork really does make the dream work!”

The company’s latest safety manual, authored personally by lowstrife, includes such motivational chapters as “Finding Opportunity in Oxygen Deprivation” and “Why Radiation Poisoning is Really Just Your Body’s Way of Saying ‘Slow Down.’”

Since implementing his “Learning Through Adversity” program six months ago, Lumber Liquidators has seen a 23% increase in productivity, primarily due to what lowstrife calls “enhanced worker motivation through character-building experiences.” These experiences include mandatory 16-hour shifts in poorly ventilated tunnels and the removal of “unnecessary” safety equipment that was “hampering authentic learning opportunities.”

“Every time someone files a workers’ comp claim, I see it as a chance to grow,” lowstrife said, reviewing a stack of incident reports over his lunch of imported Benten System delicacies. “Like when the ventilation system failed and three workers developed severe lung complications - that taught me that adversity really brings people together! They all got sick at the same time!”

Employee satisfaction surveys, conducted anonymously through terminals located directly outside lowstrife’s office, show that 94% of workers describe their job experience as “life-changing,” though follow-up interviews suggest this may not be entirely positive.

Medical drone operator Janet Voss, who has filed seven workers’ compensation claims this year, offered her perspective: “Mr. lowstrife visited me in the medical bay after my latest accident and said my crushed vertebrae were teaching him about the importance of flexibility in management. Then he asked if I could still operate heavy machinery.”

The company’s innovative approach to workplace safety has caught the attention of other mining operations throughout the Hortus System. Rival executives report they’re eager to implement similar “educational injury programs,” particularly after learning that Lumber Liquidators’s insurance premiums have mysteriously remained stable despite the injury surge.

“The secret is perspective,” lowstrife explained while reviewing quarterly profit reports that show record earnings alongside record casualty figures. “When workers’ comp claims go up, I don’t see liability - I see tuition for the university of life!”

Local authorities have launched an investigation into Lumber Liquidators’s safety practices after receiving 127 formal complaints in the past month. However, lowstrife remains undaunted, viewing the regulatory scrutiny as yet another learning opportunity.

“Even government oversight teaches valuable lessons,” he noted. “For instance, I’ve learned that safety inspectors are much more agreeable when they’re given complimentary tours of our executive dining facility rather than our actual mining operations.”

At press time, lowstrife was reportedly planning to expand his educational philosophy company-wide, with new initiatives including “Character Building Through Chemical Exposure” and “Team Building in Hazardous Atmospheres.”

When asked to comment on rumors that several major insurance providers are refusing to renew Lumber Liquidators’s policies, lowstrife’s smile never wavered: “Change creates opportunity! Besides, who needs insurance when you have a positive attitude and a willingness to learn from every preventable tragedy?”