CIBOLA STATION - In a groundbreaking announcement that has sent shockwaves through the scientific community and left shipping schedules actually functional for the first time in decades, the Universe Maintenance Department confirmed yesterday that they have successfully eliminated quantum uncertainty from all spaceflight calculations.

Scientists flummoxed by quantum results.¹

The fix, implemented in what officials are calling “Reality Patch 2.1.7,” addresses what Chief Universe Architect molp described as “an annoying inconsistency in the fundamental laws of physics that was making our job unnecessarily difficult.”

“Frankly, we’re embarrassed it took us this long,” molp admitted during a press conference at Cibola Station. “Turns out the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was just a glorified rounding error that got out of hand. Should have caught that in alpha testing.”

The announcement has left the transportation industry reeling. Castillo-Ito Mercantile stock prices soared 347% in early trading as investors realized shipping schedules would now be mathematically predictable rather than “sort of a cosmic suggestion,” according to CI spokesperson Helena Nakamura.

“This changes everything,” said Captain Reginald Thornbury of the independent freighter Reasonable Doubt. “For years, I’ve been telling passengers that our arrival time was ‘somewhere between Tuesday and the heat death of the universe.’ Now I actually have to be accurate? This is going to require a complete overhaul of our customer service protocols.”

The fix has had unexpected economic ramifications across inhabited space. Local entrepreneur eminence32, who operates a small business on Montem, reports that demand for his “flight optimization consultancy” has completely evaporated overnight.

“I’ve been employing neighborhood kids for years to click fuel sliders for five to ten minutes before each flight to find the optimal path,” eminence32 explained, visibly distressed. “Little Timmy Henderson has been supporting his entire family on slider-clicking wages. What am I supposed to tell him now? That physics works properly? The kid’s only twelve—he can’t handle that kind of existential crisis.”

Henderson, reached for comment while sadly staring at his now-obsolete mousepad, confirmed that the steady work had been “pretty sweet.” His mother, Sarah Henderson, expressed concern about the broader implications for their community. “The slider-clicking economy employed dozens of local children,” she noted. “Now they’ll have to go back to traditional childhood activities like playing with toys and attending school. It’s heartbreaking.”

The Antares Initiative, characteristically, claims this development vindicates their long-standing approach to space travel. “We’ve always just brought extra fuel and hoped for the best,” said AI spokesperson Jin Watanabe. “Quantum uncertainty was never really a factor when your engines are held together with recycled Martian duct tape and determination.”

Some academics are struggling to adapt to the new reality. Professor Eldridge Blackstone of the Promitor Institute of Theoretical Physics has reportedly locked himself in his office and refused to come out since the announcement.

“Forty years of research into quantum fluctuation effects on interplanetary travel, and it turns out they just… fixed it?” read a note slipped under his door. “My life’s work is now technically fan fiction. I need time to process this.”

The University of New Pyongyang has already announced it will be offering “emergency retraining” for physics professors, while several academic journals have declared moratoriums on publishing any papers that reference the old “flickering fuel consumption” phenomenon.

Not everyone is celebrating the change. A grassroots movement calling itself “Pilots for Uncertainty” has emerged, arguing that the unpredictable nature of flight times was an essential part of space travel’s romantic appeal.

“There was something beautiful about not knowing if your three-day cargo run would actually take three days or three weeks,” said movement leader Captain Flora Dex-Morrison. “It kept us humble. It reminded us that the universe was bigger than our understanding. Now space travel is just… arithmetic. Where’s the poetry in that?”

The movement plans to petition for the restoration of “at least some quantum uncertainty” to preserve what they call “the mystique of the void.”

APEX system administrators, meanwhile, are reportedly celebrating their first full night’s sleep in years. “Do you know how many tickets we used to get about ‘impossible fuel calculations?’” asked Martin, the Lead Engineer of Universal Constant Design. “I was starting to think the universe was personally vindictive toward me.”

Early reports suggest the fix has had some unexpected side effects. Several pilots report that their lucky pre-flight rituals—including elaborate fuel slider ceremonies, compass spinning, and the recitation of ancient Martian engineering prayers—no longer seem to influence travel times.

“I’ve been tapping my fuel gauge exactly seventeen times before every departure for eight years,” said cargo pilot Elena Vasquez. “It’s worked perfectly until now. I don’t know how to cope with a universe where cause and effect follow logical patterns.”

Child psychologists across inhabited space are preparing for what they’re calling a “generation gap crisis” as children who grew up believing physics was approximate struggle to adapt to a reality where mathematics actually works.

The Insitor Cooperative has announced plans to offer emergency loans to families affected by the slider-clicking industry collapse, though economic analysts warn that this may just be the beginning of automation-related displacement in the “quantum uncertainty economy.”

When asked if any other fundamental laws of physics might be subject to similar “corrections,” molp remained coy. “Let’s just say we’re taking a hard look at the whole ‘conservation of energy’ thing. We’ve been getting some weird readings.”

At press time, quantum physicists throughout known space were reportedly updating their CVs and considering career changes to more stable fields, such as asteroid mining or political consulting.