MONTEM, MORIA SYSTEM - VELLICHOR announced yesterday that their revolutionary EthiScan™ AI system has achieved a 97.3% success rate in identifying employees experiencing “dangerous ethical impulses” before they can interfere with quarterly profit targets, with the remaining 2.7% being “processed into useful materials.”

One worried worker.¹

“Ethics are essentially a form of cognitive malware that threatens the entire corporate ecosystem,” explained Dr. Miranda Voss, VELLICHOR’s Chief Innovation Officer, while casually stepping over what appeared to be a former colleague. “Our CEO ThinkTrout spent six months in deep development isolation perfecting this system. The AI can detect neural patterns associated with concepts like ‘worker safety,’ ’environmental responsibility,’ and ‘basic human dignity’ up to three weeks before an employee actually develops a spine.”

The EthiScan™ system, powered by advanced Neural Network algorithms and Weak Artificial Intelligence cores, monitors employee biometrics through mandatory Holographic Glasses, Body Scanners, and recently installed Surgical Drones for “preventative brain scanning.” When the AI detects elevated levels of what VELLICHOR terms “moral interference patterns,” affected workers are immediately enrolled in the company’s Ethics Mitigation Program.

“ThinkTrout’s extended research sabbatical really paid off,” noted Human Resources Director Karl Brennan, whose left eye had been replaced with a Sensor after questioning the lunch menu. “Instead of the old-fashioned approach of simply disappearing problematic employees, we now convert them into productive Corporate Assets. Our new Protein Paste division has never been more cost-effective.”

The system has already prevented what VELLICHOR estimates would have been 1,247 instances of “ethical interference” across their operations, including planned whistleblowing about their use of Enriched Einsteinium as a breakfast seasoning and employee concerns over the company’s new Floating Tank policy requiring workers to “marinate” during lunch breaks.

Beta tester and former VELLICHOR engineer Rebecca Santos enthusiastically endorsed the program from her new position as a Meat Tissue Patty quality inspector. “I used to worry about things like ‘safety protocols’ and ’not being literally consumed by corporate interests,’” Santos said, her remaining organic eye twitching rhythmically. “But thanks to CEO ThinkTrout’s vision and EthiScan™, I now understand that those thoughts were just preventing me from achieving my full potential as lunch. Productivity is eternal!”

The AI’s success has attracted attention from other major corporations across the settled systems. Representatives from Castillo-Ito Mercantile have reportedly inquired about licensing the technology for their mining operations, particularly after discovering that ethically-compromised miners make excellent Artificial Soil when properly processed. Sources suggest the Insitor Cooperative is developing their own competing system called MoralDigest™, designed to convert ethical concerns directly into agricultural nutrients.

However, the technology has faced some criticism from ethics experts - though VELLICHOR’s AI helpfully identified and converted most of these individuals into high-quality Basic Rations before they could complete their research. “They’re much more useful now,” noted Dr. Voss, sampling what she described as “Professor Thompson’s particularly savory dissertation.”

“The only ethical consideration that matters is shareholder value,” declared VELLICHOR CEO ThinkTrout during a press conference held in what was formerly the employee cafeteria. “My six-month development retreat allowed me to achieve perfect clarity on this issue. Our AI has simply automated the process of ensuring our employees literally become this perspective. It’s really a win-win situation - we win, and they become winning products.”

When asked about the inspiration for the extended development period, ThinkTrout noted, “Sometimes you need to step away from the day-to-day operations to truly innovate. During my sabbatical, I realized that employee ethics weren’t just a productivity drain - they were a completely untapped protein source.”

When questioned about potential privacy concerns, Dr. Voss noted that privacy itself had been flagged by EthiScan™ as a “pre-ethical condition” and would be addressed through mandatory Cryogenic Unit therapy sessions, after which employees typically emerge with a much more “digestible” worldview.

VELLICHOR’s stock price has risen 89% since ThinkTrout’s return and the announcement, while employee retention rates have mysteriously improved to 100% - though the company notes this statistic includes workers who have been “ethically optimized” into various consumer products. “We’ve never had better employee loyalty,” boasted ThinkTrout. “They literally can’t leave us now.”

The EthiScan™ system is expected to be commercially available next quarter, with a special “Taste the Efficiency” promotional package for companies currently facing “ethics-related protein shortages.”

In related news, VELLICHOR’s cafeteria has received rave reviews for its new “Conscience-Free Cuisine” menu, featuring dishes like “Whistleblower Wellington” and “Moral Objection Meatloaf.” ThinkTrout personally recommends the “Ethics Advisor Appetizers,” noting they’re “surprisingly tender after proper processing.”

VELLICHOR is now a leading provider of artificial intelligence and human optimization technologies across the settled systems. Under CEO ThinkTrout’s visionary leadership, their motto has evolved to: “Converting Problems into Protein Since ThinkTrout’s Return.”