PROMITOR, HORTUS SYSTEM — In a passionate sermon delivered at the Break Room Basilica on Promitor yesterday, self-proclaimed “Job Creationist” Lyman Harper declared to a congregation of tired pioneer workers that there is only one true CEO who created all jobs throughout the colonies.

Lyman Harper delivering his weekly sermon.¹

“The universe’s economic intricacies could not have evolved by mere chance!” shouted Harper, a former Castillo-Ito Mercantile middle manager, as he paced dramatically between vending machines. “Every job, from mushroom harvester to FTL reactor technician, was deliberately designed and placed by the Great CEO who sits upon the throne of the cosmic boardroom!”

Harper, who founded the Church of Occupational Design after being laid off from his position as a logistics coordinator, has gained a devoted following among disillusioned laborers who find comfort in believing their grueling work has divine purpose.

“Before I found Job Creationism, I thought my position cleaning thermal shielding was just meaningless drudgery,” said Eliza Mercer, a convert who attends the Break Room Basilica’s bi-weekly services. “Now I know that the Great CEO specifically designed my role as part of His grand corporate structure. It really makes those 16-hour shifts in 140-degree heat more bearable.”

According to Harper’s teachings, the cosmos was created in seven fiscal quarters, with the Great CEO establishing different employment sectors each quarter before taking a sabbatical on the eighth to review performance metrics.

“The sacred text of Job Creationism, ‘The Employee Handbook,’ clearly states that the Great CEO created pioneer workers in His own image,” Harper explained, brandishing a dog-eared binder with coffee stains. “That’s why we all have to wear these uncomfortable standardized uniforms and maintain rigid productivity quotas.”

Critics, particularly those from the Exodus Council, have dismissed Job Creationism as a desperate coping mechanism for the exploitation inherent in the current economic system.

“What we’re seeing is a psychological response to late-stage colonialism,” explained Dr. Sanjay Patel, a sociologist stationed at Cibola Station. “When workers can’t perceive any actual control over their economic circumstances, they create mythologies that give cosmic significance to their suffering.”

Harper’s movement has drawn particular ire from the scientific community for its rejection of what they call “economic evolutionism”—the theory that jobs naturally developed through market forces and adaptation to colonial needs.

“It’s absurd to suggest some intelligent designer created each occupation,” said Dr. Amelia Reeves, an economic anthropologist with NEO Charter Exploration. “We have clear evidence showing how careers evolved from simpler forms. Early colonial positions like ‘general laborer’ clearly differentiated over time into specialized roles like ‘hydroponic mushroom substrate technician’ or ‘cryogenic stabilizer quality assurance specialist.’”

Despite scientific opposition, Harper’s followers remain steadfast, even going so far as to lobby the Insitor Cooperative to include Job Creationism in educational curriculum alongside conventional economic theory.

“Our children deserve to hear both sides,” insisted Terrence Mills, a fervent Job Creationist who serves on Promitor’s education committee. “The idea that jobs just happened through invisible market forces requires just as much faith as believing the Great CEO designed each position. But only one of those beliefs comes with an attractive retirement package in the promised aftermarket.”

At press time, Harper was preparing for his weekly ritual of “Paycheck Communion,” where followers symbolically consume small crackers shaped like credit chits and drink tiny cups of coffee that symbolize “the lifeblood that sustains all workers through their divinely ordained shifts.”