PROMITOR SYSTEM - The highly anticipated release of “Integrated Cybernetics” (IC), a new luxury consumable from Alpha Tau Nutrition Systems, has faced immediate backlash from the pioneer community, who claim it’s “just an exoskeleton with fancy lights and a bigger price tag.”

Prototype of the new Integrated Cybernetics system. Note the great RGB lighting.¹

The product, which promises to “revolutionize the way scientists and engineers interface with their work environment,” retails for approximately 9,014% more than standard EXO units. Critics have pointed out that the primary difference appears to be programmable lighting and a marketing campaign featuring holograms of satisfied customers definitely not wearing regular exoskeletons painted with luminescent materials.

“It’s literally just an EXO with some blinking lights and a neural interface that does nothing but change the colors,” said frustrated settler Marcus Chen, displaying his standard-issue exoskeleton. “Look, I can add the same feature with some NAB and a piece of string.” Chen proceeded to demonstrate by tying a glowstick to his arm.

ATNS CEO Prisma defended the product’s pricing and features. “Our Integrated Cybernetics solution provides a completely different experience from primitive exoskeletons. For instance, the neural interface allows users to mentally select from over 16 million color combinations while lifting heavy objects. Plus, we’ve integrated our patented bean-based nutrition delivery system directly into the neural interface. We’re not just selling equipment; we’re selling an aesthetic lifestyle transformation.”

The controversy deepened when several pioneers discovered they could achieve similar results by installing aftermarket lighting in their EXO units for approximately 0.02% of IC’s cost. This led to a surge in “modded” exoskeletons across several colonies, prompting ATNS to file multiple patent infringement claims for “unauthorized use of gravity-defying aesthetics and nutrition delivery concepts.”

“These knockoff modifications completely miss the point,” Prisma insisted. “Our product isn’t just about lifting heavy things while looking good - it’s about lifting heavy things while looking good at a price point that makes other people feel bad about themselves. Besides, our bean-based neural interface is completely proprietary.”

The situation reached a new peak when a group of pioneers launched a protest by synchronizing their modified EXO units to display what they claimed was “interpretive criticism” through coordinated light shows. ATNS responded by announcing a new premium tier called “Integrated Cybernetics Plus,” which they assure is “completely different” because it comes in rose gold and includes “thought-activated bean dispensing.”

At press time, several pioneer colonies reported mysterious power fluctuations, which definitely had nothing to do with illegal EXO modification facilities drawing massive amounts of power for their RGB lighting systems. ATNS has announced plans to investigate whether any of these facilities are also illegally replicating their proprietary bean-based neural interface technology.

Editor’s Note: The Prosperous Turnip would like to clarify that this article’s RGB lighting effects were achieved naturally and not through any unauthorized modification of journalistic equipment. No beans were harmed in the writing of this article.