Leaked Datatape Sparks Controversy

In local market news, a recent leaked datatape from the π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’ brand has sparked controversy. The tape appears to contain a rough cut advertisement for an upcoming new product, with voice-over text as follows:

“Can’t stand the heat? Get out of the kitchen and into your habitat’s communal recreation zone, protected by π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’ brand Thermal Shielding. Its active cooling modules will blow your padded overalls off with a stream of recycled ‘Freshaire’ patented breathable air substitute. Your nostrils will thank you!

The thermal shielded habitation unit as seen on datatape 1

Further sections of the datatape show interviews with some of the test subjects of a design prototype. One such subject emerges from behind layers of protective sheeting with a glazed expression and dilated pupils.

It’s just like being back on Earth, if Earth persistently smelled of ammonia and… what was that other one? Galerite? Mmm…

At this point the interview is cut short, as cries are heard from nearby engineers:

Crap! I think some galerite dust has gotten into the ducting!

At a press conference arranged to clarify matters, an especially nervous spokeslifeform for π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’ brand Thermal Shielding denied that π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’ brand Thermal Shielding was being fabricated in a secret facility on Katoa.

I don’t know where you heard that. We’re definitely not making any kind of thermal shielding for our planned base on… uh… I mean, we’re just humble ration and fuel manufacturers. That’s all.

The lifeform was later seen carrying its belongings in a cardboard box out of the π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’ brand HQ. This only fueled the rumors further, with Taien, a supplier of goods, declaring that thermal shielding “would be a holy grail for a certain planet”, and expressing a willingness to “pay a lot for it”. This in turn caused Fuyutsuki, a contrarian economist, to immediately begin drawing up secret plans of his own, while galactic celebrity Zizzleswomp declared “Thermalshieldinggate is a typical smokescreen by the shady π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’οΈ brand, to distract us all from what they’re really doing on Katoa. I heard they’re developing some kind of advanced breathable liquid over there.”

Hoping to put an end to the speculation, π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’οΈ brand CEO, derelict., finally made a public statement:

For the last time, π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’οΈ brand research and development teams are absolutely not making thermal shielding of any kind in any of our research facilities. Especially not any of the ones marked Top Secret Research.

It remains to be seen whether this will be sufficient to quell these latest rumors surrounding the π—±π—²π—―π—Ώπ—Άπ˜€β„’οΈ brand.

  1. Image courtesy https://www.deviantart.com/sanderjansen/art/Alien-Factory-51504629 ↩︎